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We grieve because we love. Grief is part of the shadow side of love. While it is an extremely difficult part of life, rest assured that if you are grieving, you are human and have experienced the immeasurable depth of what that means. We are capable of immense emotional capacity, of tender vulnerability and exquisite, ecstatic love. Though tragic, this is beautiful. This expanse of possibility nourishes our beings; it is a solid reminder that we have lived. You are still alive. You are still here, and therefore worthy of all the love and support you need to shine your gorgeous heart forth once again.

 

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   Grieving is inherently stressful. It is the epitome of change -- and change is stressful. I find the origin of the term "stress" interesting: Originally it was a physics term, describing how much tension a structure can hold. Our sweet human structures are asked to hold so much throughout our lives. Grief is a big one to hold. Not only is there the obvious emotional pain & physical reality of loss (traditional or disenfranchised), what happens in the body when stress occurs is part of it. No matter what type(s) of grief you are holding right now, you don't have to bear them alone. 

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What Happens in the Body When Loss (stress) Hits, and When it Recedes?

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   First, let's talk Nervous System. If you already know about this, feel free to skip ahead.

There are two main branches of our human nervous system. One is the Sympathetic Nervous System (referred to going forward as the SNS). The 2nd is the Parasympathetic Nervous System (we'll call this the PNS from now on). The SNS is responsible for all of the action in stressful situations. It readies the body for intense activity. There are 3 major actions: Fight, Flight, or Freeze. Faint has been recently tossed around as a 4th. These are what the SNS readies us for when we encounter stress -- be that life-threatening, test-taking, or anything our systems view as life-threatening...Even when they're not. This is because when we developed these systems as evolving human creatures, we encountered life-threatening situations daily (some of you may be surviving real threats daily still). This system can be heightened when we have experienced trauma -- just one "BOO!" away from immediately engaging. When the SNS is engaged, it takes a LOT of energy, shunting blood from organs to large muscle groups (readying you for escape), increasing your breath capacity, dilating your pupils so you can be on high alert, etc. This is the body in stress-mode. 

   We are products of our ancestors -- the people who actually survived those real threats. This lineage helped our nervous systems to develop very strong reactions to stress/threats. This is why, when you are taking a pleasant walk in the woods or along a country road and you see a twisty structure out of the corner of your eye, your adrenaline pumps as your SNS engages, readying you for an attack from the twisty snake!...Except its not a snake, its just a twig. But your breathing is perhaps, if just for a moment, intensified as your heart rate has increased and your legs got ready to run, kick, or stay still hoping the snake didn't see you, or pass out from the stress. That's ok. All of those are normal reactions, and can occur in milliseconds. But, its just a twig. And you can take a deep breath and walk on. 

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   The PNS is the part of the nervous system that is often referred to as the "rest & digest" or "rest & relaxation" system. This is the lovely system that gets engaged during events that make you feel calm, loved, content. 

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Things that typically engage the PNS:

• sipping warm tea (or any warm liquid you enjoy)

• petting an animal

• rhythmic motions like dancing, walking, etc (this is why our bodies rock us back and forth when we cry hard - to help engage PNS & restore balance)

• naps

• relaxing baths and being in or near water in general, especially moving water like streams, rivers or waterfalls

• receiving massage

• Etc!

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   When your PNS is engaged, all of your systems that have been on hold in order to survive are invited to come back online. Blood returns to your organs engaging digestion, respiration calms, homeostasis returns. 

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Grief as a Stressor 

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   Now, apply this process to grief. When a stressful situation goes unresolved, we stay in our SNS longer so that we are constantly experiencing an activated or partially-activated state. This is exhausting. Grief is exhausting. Not to mention dealing with all of the well-meaning platitudes that are thrown our way such as, "its God's will", or the ever-present-and-infuriating, "time heals all wounds". You may not get enough time off to feel fully able to be back in the world again (if you get any time off at all). You may feel like you have to put on an "I'm ok" mask just to go outside of your home. Plus, while all of these things are happening around you, your body is probably being ignored. Are you drinking enough water? Resting when needed? Getting enough nourishment? Likely not. This is also a normal part of grief.

 

Some symptoms of grief:

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• headaches

• change in appetite and/or digestion

• sleep issues

• "PMS-like" symptoms: edgy, irritable

• sore, tight, achy muscles, especially around the head, neck and shoulders

• jaw pain

• fatigue

• sometimes it can feel like a hangover, or an "emotional hangover"

 

 

   Notice how these are also common symptoms of stress. All can be counterbalanced by massage, which offers immediate support for your tired nervous system, aching muscles and lagging immune system. Because it is a source of physical comfort, it can, through the PNS, comfort the emotional body as well. Massage works with the entire being, through the physical body. Grief Massage provides a safe environment in which to decompress and deactivate that SNS.

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A Study from Sweden, or: How Awesome Nurses Are

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   In 2009 Berit Cronfalk, RN & PhD (student at the time), did a fascinating (and supported) study on an early intervention of massage in grieving family members: Soft tissue massage: early intervention for relatives whose family members died in palliative cancer care. (Journal of Clinical Nursing 19, 1040–1048).

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   In this study she followed 18 grieving relatives as they received 25-minute hand and foot massage once a week for eight weeks. At the end of the eight weeks, in-depth interviews were conducted. The massage was found to be helpful; the relatives expressed that it helped them learn to restructure everyday life and feel consoled.

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The main findings were organized into four categories: 

1. A helping hand at the right time

2. Something to rely on

3. Moments of rest

4. Moments of retaining energy

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   Just these four categories alone (coming out of the study) prove to me that massage for grief is dearly and wonderfully valuable.

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Feel free to read the official abstract and study for more info.

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Want to learn some tools for making it through survival mode, or more science behind relaxation? Read my blog here.

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